I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
