after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
