Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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