how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
