Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
