she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
