We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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