FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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