On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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