I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
