so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
