thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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