What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
