I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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