I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
