Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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