Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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