I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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