I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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