I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
