If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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