Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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