This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
