something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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