Got a toothbrush?
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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