please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
