By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
