I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
