I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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