If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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