there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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