fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
farters have to be the big spoon...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
