So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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