So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
