Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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