I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
why does every cop we meet know your name?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
