He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
