just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
