Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
soo... how was my night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
