my sisters under your porch take her home
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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