Someone shit on the floor
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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