Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
