i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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