there's paper in my vomit.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
