I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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