I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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