matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
