the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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