Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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