my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
