I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
