Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
