i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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